new toucan

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breaking news

 BREAKING NEWS - Southern Illinois scientists have discovered what they are calling “the unluckiest human ever”. The unfortunate individual, a redhead , pasty skin, toxic muscle man, discovered this condition by badly playing a a children’s game named ‘Megaman.’. “It’s literally unbelievable, dude”, the man told scientists. “I play every game perfectly, but the RNG just keep cucking me!” The man continued to whine incessantly until, unfortunately, he dropped dead of a soy overdose.

tanner 2

H-hey Luis, do you remember me from Biology? Freshman year? It’s Laura. I just wanted to stop by since you missed the last reunion, I was looking for you. I always thought you were really smart and talented, but I could never work up the nerve to tell you. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well...HAHA Just kidding, it’s still Tanner you fucking gullible idiot lmfao. Anyway, the gym awaits, see ya man good talk.

clg calling

Hey Caleb, This is CLG calling. We never took the time to check your streams before we signed you on but we notice you die A LOT and you're a soyboy. We will have to terminate our partnership. Thank you.

hexafecta iq

 Since 2013, my life has changed. My IQ is now 195 and it increases by 5 every time I sit down on Thursday nights to watch this one show. It is called Hexafecta. Because of that, I get all the girls and people are always comparing me to Dessbo , some even say that Dessbo is the cure for cancer. When High Max found out that I watch Hexafecta, they showed up to my residence and took me to a secret facility to take a Dessbo

tos violations

The stream starts, and so the TOS violations begin. It shall not end until Caleb is banned. Caleb fears no staff, adheres to no rules. He lives and dies in the stream. For he is the value in the bomber. He is the BM in the lethal. He is the salt in the defeat. He shall do what he wishes, for this stream and all the streams to come.

asmr

Just because I watch ASMR doesn't mean you are better than me. Yes, while you are watching content cop or top 10 booty fails I may be watching (hentai) (ASMR) (roleplay) hot ANIME girl taps on THICC THIGHS (gone sexual) (not porn) (18+) but that doesn't mean shit. People are free to watch whatever they want on youtube, thats what net nutrality is.

squat shit

@Calebhart42 Today when I was at the gym I was maxing out my squat of 55lbs. When I went down, I almost couldn't get back up. I clenched my anus and squeezed my hamstrings but I was shaking so hard. Harder than you shake your dingdong after you pee to get the last dribbles out. Anyways, I thought to myself, what would that rump ranger Clabe do? Then I realized that he would push though it, shitting himself on the way up. So thats how I shit my pants today at the gym, all because of you bby.

brofist

Dear CalebHart42, this is Kevin Kuntmeyer from P.E.T.A. It has come to my attention that you brutally brofisted a small defenseless Kitty Cat in its adorable face live on your stream moments ago. If you do not apologize and rub his tum tum for 20 minutes on stream, I will be forced to punish you to the fullest extent of the law. You've been warned...

GAINZ

Guys, seriously, Caleb is 14 years old. You may not know this, but he's an experiment by the United States Military. He was injected with the experimental drug GAINZ in utero, which caused him to accelerate, or "speedrun" his metabolism, and hence why he looks the way he does at 13 years old. All these copypastas about Caleb are highly disrespectful to a true patriot whose very existence is dedicated to reking his couch. Thank you.

delights

You notice a wall of text in twitch chat and your hand instinctively goes to the mouse. You scroll up to stop the chat elevator and read the pasta, indulging in its delights... You soon realize that this pasta conveys no information nor is particularly witty or funny. Nevertheless, you drag your mouse across, hit Ctrl+C, then Ctrl+V and press Enter

strong torso

Andrey, it is me, Jose. Since the night we spent together, all my thoughts have been taken hostage by you and the memories of your strong torso. If only I could have one more sight of that piece of heaven, I think my life would be complete... We miss you a lot here. Call us. Rodrigo send you kisses. Love.

hate twitch

This is exactly why I hate Twitch chat (Kripp specifically). This chat is pure, unadulterated, 100% cancer. Nobody has a single unique, new thought, all spouting the latest meme after meme, that aren't even good. THIS is why I'm turning off chat and will just watch the professional gameplay. And I swear to god, if any of you copy and paste this, I'm deleting my account forever.

cordelia

hello my name is cordelia i died in a fire 10 years ago unless u send this to copy and paste this 10 times i will come in your room tonight and stare at you i look like a three year old girl without a face i will show up every night you have seven min to post it or else.

recipe

Sugar! PJSugar Spice! PJSalt And everything nice! OhMyDog CoolCat KappaPride These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect streamer. But Professor Reynad accidentally added an extra ingredient to the concoction - Chemical Vegan! Thus, the Kripp was born! BabyRage

arrogant failure

I cannot get over how much this guy complains as soon as he doesn't get extremely lucky. He is so incredibly narcissistic that he truly believes nobody else is allowed to do well or draft effective cards. We are all just guests who play in Kripp's world of hearthstone. To suggest that you are better than Kripp must simply mean that you have better RNG. What an arrogant failure of a man.

vegan dog

I am a dog being raised by a very loving family. Or at least I was, until a balding romanian gypsy kidnapped me from my home. Now he doesn't let me go outside and doesn't feed me. Every time I try to tell him I am hungry he puts green leaves in my bowl and says doggies can be vegan too if they try hard enough. I believe this man is mentally disabled. Please send help. OhMyDog

love

FeelsGoodMan Kripp plays cardstone and is unlucky as the opponent topdeks lethal. "WTF" he screams, and he looks to twitch chat for salty support. Instead he sees a chat full of love and good feelings. Kripp tries to resist the love, but the love in chat is too strong. Suddenly Kripp's heart grew three sizes and he finally tells us, "Chat, I love you." FeelsGoodMan

Antonio

Hola, Kripp, this is Antonio, Rania's secret Puerto Rican lover. I mistakenly left a package of my Magnum XXL Heavy-Duty Condoms at your place last night while you were complaining about a children's card game. I was hoping I could swing by tonight and pick them up. I'll just go in through the backdoor just like how I do with Rania, the dirty girl! Thanks, and good luck with your funny little computer game!

kripp grandma

Kripp visits his grandmother in Romania. "Hi Gran, do you remember me?" She smiles. "Octavian, you're back! Do you still play that game? What was it, Stone of Hearts? Oh, I would love it if you would play some Priest for me!" Kripp nods. "Tomorrow, I promise." Later that night, Kripp smothers Gran with her pillow. "You want priest, huh? Go see the priest in the afterlife, you rancid whore."

kixelated

Hi, my name is Kixelated, you might know me from the 3rd division of the 22nd branch of Twitch’s official Nazi party. I am here to use my powers as one of the most important men of the our beloved Nazi party to ban all twitch MODERATORS that aren’t doing their job. You are supposed to prevent communism from spreading by banning all of the one man spammers, but instead, you are exactly like them. I want to let you know that you guys are fired

oh my god dude

The opponent mulligans his cards. "Oh my god dude, are you kidding me?" says Kripp. The opponent plays a 2 drop. "Seriously dude? This is crazy." The opponent draws a card at the start of their turn. "No fckin way dude, I can't beat that." The opponent hero powers. "This is some crazy RNG bullshit" says Kripp.

card logic

I looked at this card originally, and I thought, you know, it’s a card, and you play this card. The card will be that card that you’ve played, so you’re playing a card. So it is one thing to play a card if your opponent doesn’t really have any cards. The card will screw up the card pretty hard, and that means it’s a pretty good card.

blastoise

I remember my old friend Blastoise, long gone, long before Mario Maker, long before Brain Power, he stood by my side, even when witwix channel was offline, he was there, constantly watching over the children of chat, now he is no longer, who can tell what the consequences will be, all I know is, things will never be the same. Goodnight sweet prince. FeelsBadMan

stoned heart of the cards

Hello Kripparian, this is your father Vyascheslav from Moskva. I have started working overtime at the power plant, and your sister Tatyana has gone to Berlin to sell her body to Kraut swine for money. We do all this to pay for your "Stoned Heart of the Cards" game. Please win tournament and send us rubles soon, so our family can be together again.